What has rape done to me you ask?

I have been fighting and battling with what to talk about next –  I’m now realising that it’s easier for me to talk about past experiences because I’ve been through it, however when it comes to the trauma I am currently dealing with it’s hard to face facts. Writing about my current struggles I guess in a way makes me look weak, but I am slowly learning that through my difficulties by sharing them, God seems to send people along the way to help me through it or maybe just help me see that this situation isn’t as bad as I think it is.

So, I decided to talk about what rape has done to me, to be honest I think I am still to go through darker times because I can’t or in fact won’t ever heal properly from the trauma of rape overnight. It’s an ongoing battle with myself that I struggle with everyday, it even affects me unconsciously, NEVERTHELESS God has a plan, I don’t know what it is, but I just trust and know that it’s gonna be a good one.

Being raped has torn me as a person, it has made me into a very second guessy person. I hate my body, the way I look, I mean there are days when I feel beautiful. But as soon as I leave the door I feel as if everyone is staring at me, I feel naked and exposed, this has shredded my confidence. Wearing clothes that reveal my body is quite difficult. The biggest problem of all for me is sex. As you know I am now married and me and my husband waited to have sex, I mean we did stuff but not sex. We intended to wait properly but I was so damaged and the trauma from the rape affected me in a way I never thought possible.

Rape has made me angry, angry at the people that violated me, hate and anger for my rapist Michael. Naming is hard, because I am sick and tired of having to fight to prove that I’m not lying. Why would I lie about being raped? It has torn me apart. You know what, sometimes I wish I was lying because I wouldn’t have to deal with this pain, this burden that I will carry for the rest of my life. I don’t understand why you had to do that to me, did you know that that act would be the downfall of me? You wrecked years of my life for a couple of minutes of pleasure, one sided pleasure? Am I worth that little, do I not have more of a purpose on this earth, than to be known as the girl that was raped? And have people constantly question my character because they don’t know if it’s the truth or not?

I wish I was lying, I wish I made this up because you know what at least I would be happy, at least my actions would hurt or ruin Michael’s life. I know this sounds harsh, but he took something from me that I can NEVER get back. I can’t ever get my innocence back, but he can get his reputation back.

It’s so hard reminding myself that God has a plan for me, I know he feels my pain, I know he hurts when I do. So I know that the truth will always prevail and I just have to trust that he is preparing me for something big. I know that one day I will get justice for what happened, I don’t know what it’ll look like all I know is I’ll be ready.

So I’m going to tell you about the first time me and my husband got freaky(ish). So it was after we’d met, and we stayed in a hotel together. Obviously Ell knew that I was raped because I had told him but he didn’t know how much it affected me. So anyway, we were in the hotel room and started kissing and I mean nothing happened because Ell was a gentleman but as soon as we stopped kissing I went to the bathroom and I cried. I cried so hard because I felt so dirty. Disgustingly filthy. That same feeling of pleasure was also a memory of when I was raped, back then it confused me because I knew what me and Ell were doing wasn’t bad but why did it make me feel this way after?

I didn’t realise that being raped perverted intimacy for me. So any sexual activity was difficult after because I had that same feeling that I couldn’t explain but I felt that whilst I was being raped. Did that mean then that I enjoyed my rape, that I wanted it? If not, then why did my body react the way it did? Did it not know that I was being violated, I was being ripped of my innocence and robbed of a normal sex life, heck a normal life? On our wedding night me and my husband didn’t have sex, this is because I wasn’t ready mentally and the thought of having sex scared me. Not because of my husband but because I was afraid to fail, I was afraid of the demons having sex with my husband might bring back up. It’s a sad realisation for me that I can’t give my husband sex whenever he wants, I feel bad for him because he has to cross so many hurdles.

I love my husband, I’m so thankful for how patient he is, this man has shown me love when no other man in this world has, when I think of all the bad things I’m going through I am so grateful that God placed Elliot in my life. He is literally he best thing that has ever happened to me. He doesn’t make me feel broken, he’s always there to reassure me and help me see the truly beautiful strong black woman I am. And you know to whoever out there’s reading and is broken like me, I just want to let you know that God has big plans for you, your brokenness is what makes you unique, and someone out there is looking for you to complete their missing piece of their heart. Work on yourself, work on getting yourself ready for that person because just as they have to be ready to help you and uplift you so do you. The two of you will become one and I tell you, with God in the middle you will both achieve greatness as a couple, as a team, as one.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I pray it blessed you, feel free to comment etc..Much love, Mercy

4 thoughts on “What has rape done to me you ask?

  1. Mercy you are so brave, a woman of beauty and extremely talented. Thank for sharing your life with us. I pray God will give you the peace and strength needed to heal. You are encouragement for the many who have gone through the same and are still dealing with there situation.
    May God shower you in his grace.

    Liked by 1 person

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