What has rape done to me you ask?

I have been fighting and battling with what to talk about next –  I’m now realising that it’s easier for me to talk about past experiences because I’ve been through it, however when it comes to the trauma I am currently dealing with it’s hard to face facts. Writing about my current struggles I guess in a way makes me look weak, but I am slowly learning that through my difficulties by sharing them, God seems to send people along the way to help me through it or maybe just help me see that this situation isn’t as bad as I think it is.

So, I decided to talk about what rape has done to me, to be honest I think I am still to go through darker times because I can’t or in fact won’t ever heal properly from the trauma of rape overnight. It’s an ongoing battle with myself that I struggle with everyday, it even affects me unconsciously, NEVERTHELESS God has a plan, I don’t know what it is, but I just trust and know that it’s gonna be a good one.

Being raped has torn me as a person, it has made me into a very second guessy person. I hate my body, the way I look, I mean there are days when I feel beautiful. But as soon as I leave the door I feel as if everyone is staring at me, I feel naked and exposed, this has shredded my confidence. Wearing clothes that reveal my body is quite difficult. The biggest problem of all for me is sex. As you know I am now married and me and my husband waited to have sex, I mean we did stuff but not sex. We intended to wait properly but I was so damaged and the trauma from the rape affected me in a way I never thought possible.

Rape has made me angry, angry at the people that violated me, hate and anger for my rapist Michael. Naming is hard, because I am sick and tired of having to fight to prove that I’m not lying. Why would I lie about being raped? It has torn me apart. You know what, sometimes I wish I was lying because I wouldn’t have to deal with this pain, this burden that I will carry for the rest of my life. I don’t understand why you had to do that to me, did you know that that act would be the downfall of me? You wrecked years of my life for a couple of minutes of pleasure, one sided pleasure? Am I worth that little, do I not have more of a purpose on this earth, than to be known as the girl that was raped? And have people constantly question my character because they don’t know if it’s the truth or not?

I wish I was lying, I wish I made this up because you know what at least I would be happy, at least my actions would hurt or ruin Michael’s life. I know this sounds harsh, but he took something from me that I can NEVER get back. I can’t ever get my innocence back, but he can get his reputation back.

It’s so hard reminding myself that God has a plan for me, I know he feels my pain, I know he hurts when I do. So I know that the truth will always prevail and I just have to trust that he is preparing me for something big. I know that one day I will get justice for what happened, I don’t know what it’ll look like all I know is I’ll be ready.

So I’m going to tell you about the first time me and my husband got freaky(ish). So it was after we’d met, and we stayed in a hotel together. Obviously Ell knew that I was raped because I had told him but he didn’t know how much it affected me. So anyway, we were in the hotel room and started kissing and I mean nothing happened because Ell was a gentleman but as soon as we stopped kissing I went to the bathroom and I cried. I cried so hard because I felt so dirty. Disgustingly filthy. That same feeling of pleasure was also a memory of when I was raped, back then it confused me because I knew what me and Ell were doing wasn’t bad but why did it make me feel this way after?

I didn’t realise that being raped perverted intimacy for me. So any sexual activity was difficult after because I had that same feeling that I couldn’t explain but I felt that whilst I was being raped. Did that mean then that I enjoyed my rape, that I wanted it? If not, then why did my body react the way it did? Did it not know that I was being violated, I was being ripped of my innocence and robbed of a normal sex life, heck a normal life? On our wedding night me and my husband didn’t have sex, this is because I wasn’t ready mentally and the thought of having sex scared me. Not because of my husband but because I was afraid to fail, I was afraid of the demons having sex with my husband might bring back up. It’s a sad realisation for me that I can’t give my husband sex whenever he wants, I feel bad for him because he has to cross so many hurdles.

I love my husband, I’m so thankful for how patient he is, this man has shown me love when no other man in this world has, when I think of all the bad things I’m going through I am so grateful that God placed Elliot in my life. He is literally he best thing that has ever happened to me. He doesn’t make me feel broken, he’s always there to reassure me and help me see the truly beautiful strong black woman I am. And you know to whoever out there’s reading and is broken like me, I just want to let you know that God has big plans for you, your brokenness is what makes you unique, and someone out there is looking for you to complete their missing piece of their heart. Work on yourself, work on getting yourself ready for that person because just as they have to be ready to help you and uplift you so do you. The two of you will become one and I tell you, with God in the middle you will both achieve greatness as a couple, as a team, as one.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I pray it blessed you, feel free to comment etc..Much love, Mercy

“Hola, ¿Cómo estás?, she said “Konnichiwa”

For the longest time I have been putting off starting a blog. But God kept niggling at my heart, I was just afraid. Afraid of being open and stripping myself bare so you can see the madness and great things that happen in my life. But God is taking me on a journey, and I have been impressed to share my journey with you. Before I even begin, I want to say THANK YOU for taking the time to read this blog I hope it will bring you healing, laughter and maybe even guidance.

So let me introduce myself.

My name is Mercy Vimbainashe Gent-Randall, I am 23 years old, born in Zimbabwe.

I would say I have had a difficult life, looking back I see the situations I’ve been in and I’m so grateful that I had God, my closest friends, my sibling (shout out patience,( my sister) on my side and now Elliot (my husband), but it has not been easy so I will start from the beginning. I came to England when I was 9 yrs old; I didn’t know anyone over here. The reason I came was to live with my dad and just get to know him, as him and my mum divorced when I was young and so I didn’t have the opportunity then. I only had maybe two pictures of him but that was it. I remember the night I flew over, the excitement of coming to London ehh, as an African child I had high standards for London! I thought I was going to be living in a mansion with more housemaids than I had in Zimbabwe. So imagine my disappointment when I got here and I see “Great Britain” with tiny houses that are really close together, rubbish weather and also not so great food. My taste buds would have to get used to the despairing lack of seasoning in British food. I remember pulling up to Huddersfield (little town we lived in) and I was just so disappointed. I didn’t see what was so great about England. My Grandad’s house in Zimbabwe was 10 times bigger than the little hut my dad had brought me to and, on top of that, there was no housemaid to do all my washing, help me with homework… nothing.

Anyway, I was still excited because I now also had two brothers! Going from being an only child to having two brothers was exciting for me because I realised I wasn’t on my own – now I had my blood brothers with me. In my head we were going to be thick as thieves and they would always look out for me. Surprisingly, me and my brothers formed an unbreakable bond. You would have never guessed that we didn’t grow up together or that we had just met on the plane over to England, and the fact that we were half siblings, as we shared the same dad but had different mothers.
So I moved and lived here with my step mum, dad and two brothers, (which was soon to be 3 brothers) and 1 sister.

Life over here wasn’t great. My step mum didn’t treat me very well, I mean now that I look back I guess she had her reasons, having to take me in when she didn’t know or even want me. However I feel it was still not acceptable as I was a child; whatever went on between my mum and her should not have been taken out on me. Looking back, I now see the abuse I endured throughout my childhood: mental, verbal, physical and sexual (by a so called “family friend”). Now that I am older I realise that everything I went through made me stronger, it made me into a person who doesn’t really rely on people as I learnt the hard way – that I had no one. So I didn’t want to rely on people for me to be let down again. This feeling of not wanting to rely on people, took me down a path where I resorted to smoking weed, but I’ll talk about this in another blog.

At the age of 9 going 10, I was raped and it CHANGED my life. I nearly, literally nearly, committed suicide and it was literally by the grace of God why I didn’t. God has been my rock, my shield, my comforter and the only father I have ever had and known. If it wasn’t for him, I really would have killed myself.

I always thought the actual act of the rape was the worst thing that could have happened to me but looking back it’s the way people dealt with my situation what was worse. It was the way my step mum made me feel, the way my dad made me feel, because in my eyes well at least my dad, he was the one who was meant to protect me, to comfort me, to reassure me that everything will be ok and that it was not my fault! but instead he blamed me! His words were “ if I had said something sooner, then this (rape) wouldn’t have happened to her (my younger sister, we were raped by the same guy).

Because of this I told myself, I could only rely on myself, I’m the only person who can’t hurt me. it was then I knew I truly was ALONE.

I then left home at 18 as things got worse with my step mum and my dad had left the country. He claims he went to South Africa to work but yet we never saw a penny of the money he was making at this big job in SA. I mean what father leaves his wife and 5 children on their own and goes to live his best life in another country… anyway I digress … That’s when I was about to start university, luckily my older brother took me in and I went to live with him.

So that’s just a snippet of an introduction to my life. There are plenty more things that happened that I will share with you in more detail but I just wanted to give you a snippet so you see a little and have a rough idea of what this blog will be talking about. My prayer is that, through me sharing my experience, you also gain the courage to share your experience. This will be a safe place platform where we can discuss openly how you feel without any judgement, just understanding and care from people who have gone through similar situations and empower each other together. Hopefully, this will also kickstart the ministry that God has been wanting me and my friends to start: O.P.E.N (Our Pain Ends Now). My prayer for this blog is that it helps somebody heal and recognise that God is there fighting battles for you – your battle is already won.

So yeah, on this blog, I will talk about a few things, but the main purpose of this blog is to let you all know that I’m here to talk, to listen, and if you are currently going through what I have been through then it’s ok sis, it’s ok brother. I’M HERE.